Beyond Depression Musings from 2017

Its occurred to me quite recently actually more like been pointed out to me that am not the easiest person to be around or get close to. 

Some introspection has led me to the same conclusion. From friendships to relationships including at family level. Its as though I am two different people, in a moment I can move from the life of the party to some guy seating in the corner or in the car just waiting for the occasion to come to an end. Socially this may mean being very pleasant to be around and then totally disappearing and conveniently reappearing. Most times it means always making plans to meet up at an undisclosed date that never comes. As my friend put it, some form of dissociative behavior or friendship by proxy. 

In more ways than one, this is true when you've been to the dark places of self isolation, you became two different people, one very public and pleasant person (conjured from other people's expectations or sometimes who you use to be) and another very distant self reclusive person born out of introversion. In between loose depictions of both appear. You can be the life of the party at one moment because that's who people are used to seeing but it's draining and you have to keep walking away to give yourself a pep talk and take off from where you left off... People catch glimpses of you but may never see you. 

The hardest thing about depression is even when you pull out of it people still expect to get their old friend back, you get lost in between there old friend and who you have become.  Unfortunately that in between you is an unstable shimmer, that once you are caught into has to shine on. In between it all you never stop to think about the contrast and contradiction or what it does to those around you who for one reason or other are unable to see below the shimmer but keep wondering why you keep fading in and out of their lives... 

Most mornings you wake up give yourself the pep talk and for ten hours or so become... You obsessively rehearse conversations in your head before they happen, you make imaginary phone calls before actually ones. It's harder when you get sick you don't want people to worry and you most definitely do not want them to come over and take care of you because in between the sickness they might see through the shimmer...

It's something I have to live down and though it does not define me it is what I am not who I am. I know it's hard for those caught in between and am grateful for the support...

Q&A with a friend

Question:

What would you say is the best way for someone who cares about you to show you that they care for you and support you? 

I have people I love who have expressed this about themselves and i am trying to find that balance between giving them their much needed space, distancing myself or checking up on them (which I now understand is selfish because I expect them to be ready to respond to my "how are you's" when I want)

So what works for you when you are "fading in and out" of others lives and what would you say is the best way a loved one can be there for you"

Answer: 

It's a hard question: most times people are expecting their best friend, brother or sister you grew up with to show up or respond to them. For me the hardest thing has been to slowly show people that that person is gone, how do you tell your family and friends that person they knew and loved is gone and now they have this guy. Think about it this way there is this person you know well and have shared memories but you can no longer relate to those memories in the same way, but they can. It's like being trapped in someone else's life. 

It makes it easier when those around me accept the changes I have made. Unfortunately most people distance themselves and assume am no longer interested in their friendship. Just be there for them and understand as hard as it is for you, its harder for them. Not only do they have to redefine their relationships with family and friends but also with themselves it will take time, but most times being there is enough.

Final comment. 

Thank you for responding. My friend told me this and I just didn't get it... I'm a hands-on type of person. You tell me you aren't ok or I feel you are being distant, i show up at your doorstep with food, positive quotes reinforcement, a speech, a Bible verse and the full armor of God, a whole entire holy spirit filled prayer! I'm ready to attack the problem head on and have my person feeling ok and fully supported. But then that didn't work and instead, in front of me was someone who I love but just wasn't the same- we have the same memories, get the same silly jokes but... my friend just wasn't the same because of this "thing" I can't even fight or shout at or kick its ass in order to have that old person back. So I try to listen but then the talking got too much for them, then they wanted to be alone and of course me wanting to be present didn't understand how a loved one wants to isolate themselves in their problems when I am here... as in!!! I AM HERE!!! How are you choosing to be alone when I want to love you through it- again, selfish! I want to impose my solutions and need to help on them so I step back and wait! But waiting is so..... detached. I want to help! 

I did assume that the friendship was over and I distanced myself completely and embraced the silence but deep down I just feel I wasn't being empathetic! Sigh! I have too many questions and I don't want to bombard you with them but I'm grateful for your post!